There is no other way to tell people you peed on a stick other than to say ‘I peed on a stick’. I’ve tried to think of an alternative way to describe what I was doing in the dimly lit bathroom that morning way back in August 2004, but I can’t. So, I was peeing on a stick. There, I said it.
I closed the lid on the pregnancy test and waited. I don’t think I felt particularly anxious. Perhaps I knew what the result would be already. As the moisture crept along the stick, the two windows at the other end gradually clouded over and I began to see a very distinct pink line. I was pregnant.
I promptly slid of the toilet and knocked my head on the bathroom sink. I was pregnant and now I had a headache.
The events that immediately followed this incident are a bit of a blur. A day or so later I found myself at the GP surgery being examined by a locum doctor. I climbed on to the couch and waited for her to tell me I was 5 or 6 weeks pregnant while she poked and prodded my tummy.
She took out a tape measure and held it up to my abdomen.
‘You need to go for an ultrasound to confirm things but judging from these measurement you’re about 18 weeks pregnant’.
To be precise, the scan a few days later put me at 18 weeks and 4 days. That’s 4 1/2 months. I’d only been pregnant a few days and I was already in my second trimester.
OK. I can read your mind. You’re wondering how the hell someone can be pregnant for 4 1/2 months without realising. Was I thick or something?
Well the simple answer is this. To begin with my periods didn’t stop, and I didn’t feel pregnant. At least not until right before I peed on the stick when I suddenly found myself throwing-up breakfast 3 days in a row.
I had filled out a little. I’d just been on holiday with my best friend and I’d complained of feeling fat but, like any good friend, she dismissed my whining. My boobs should have been the giveaway, but I didn’t really pay much attention to the fact they were spilling out of my dinky 32B bra.
Unknowingly pregnant in Australia. I did the Sydney Harbour Bridge climb with Izzy inutero! And check out the ghastly blond highlights!
Anyway, there was obviously someone else involved in all this.
Rewind 6 months. I was crazy about Carl (because somehow his Mr L.A. alias just doesn’t work with this kind of content). I’d had the biggest crush on him for what felt like forever. We finally got together at his birthday party and quickly embarked on one of those supposedly casual, but ever so heady and addictive relationships. I played it so cool but really my whole body ached for him on the rare occasion we didn’t spend the night together. We used to listen to Placebo and watch movies in his scuzzy student house and then have lengthy post-coital conversations while he sipped Jack Daniels and Coke and I smoked out of his bedroom window.
Carl was 23 to my 21 when, after not even 6 months of ‘sort of seeing each other in a casual but exclusive kind of way’, we found out we were going to have a baby together.
I remember there was a very awkward trip to the hospital together. The big scary scan where they check that the baby doesn’t have two heads or anything awful like that. It felt like an incredibly weird, uncomfortable date. All I can remember thinking while I lay on the hospital bed with cold jelly on my rapidly expanding middle was ‘I wish he would hold my hand’. The last time we’d seen each other we’d been rolling around in the nude, and now there was this awful, embarrassed gap between us.
Somewhere in all of this friends and family were informed, which brings me to the real subject of this post. I’ll never forget the first time the ‘A’ word was mentioned. ‘Why isn’t she having an abortion? She’s making a terrible mistake’ (because, you see, this comment was fielded by my poor mother).
Well, why wasn’t I having an abortion? I don’t know. The thought only entered my head in the form of a dismissal, as in ‘I don’t want an abortion’.
Then there were the ‘silly girl, what did she go and get pregnant for?’. I love that. I went and got pregnant. By myself. Neat trick.
The advent of the pill in the 1960s is usually constructed as a hugely liberating force for women. What is often overlooked is that it meant that women were now expected to take sole responsibility for contraception. Whereas men had previously had to have some involvement in the act of not getting pregnant (through abstaining or withdrawing) the total input now required from them was a simple ‘are you on the pill?’.
So, not only was the unborn child I was carrying a mistake, it was very much my mistake.
Even now, almost 6 years on from my daughters arrival, people, sometimes people I barely know, make these sorts of assumptions. Maybe I’m lucky. The man that impregnated me happened to be my soul mate. I’m lucky he was a decent human being who stuck around to see how things played out. I’m lucky that I would have coped even if he hadn’t.
Although my little family has gradually started to fit into the box that society has carved out for us and deemed acceptable, young people still wonder why I sacrificed my twenties and old people still frown on our unmarried status (although not for much longer I guess!).
When someone asked me the other day if Isabel was ‘you know, a mistake’ I laughed it off with the well rehearsed retort ‘I prefer ‘happy accident’ actually’.
But the verbal knife cuts far deeper than I let on. Sometimes I worry that the adult incarnation of my daughter will put 2 and 2 together and come up with 5, just like these ignorant individuals.
Maybe I’ll just show her this post.
Or hug her and tell her that she was conceived in love. We just didn’t know it at the time.
Loveaudrey xxx
This is such a beautifully written post. It made my eyes prickle too! My husband and I want to start a family soon. I’m 24 and he’s 30. I hate the word ‘mistake’ too and think that any baby is a blessing and should be treated as one. Congratulations on your lovely family 🙂 xxx
Wow, what a post. I would have never known that was how your beautiful little girl came to be. Funnily enough there was an article today with a quote from Lauren Laverne extolling the virtues of having babies earlier.
At 30 and childless I never really thought of myself as one of those that had “waited” but I guess I am. I never felt grown up enough to have children but since Ed and I have been together since I was 20, if we’d had any “happy accidents” then I most definitely would have kept the baby after about the first year, which means I could potentially have been the mother of a 9 year old now – very scary.
I desperately, desperately want to start a family almost the minute we’re married (I’m quite traditional like that, but absolutely pass no judgement on those parents that don’t choose to get married) but Ed thinks we should wait a couple of years. That puts me at 34 which to me is just too risky to start trying for a first baby just in case things don’t go according to plan. We’ll see who get’s their own way shall we 😉
xx
Wow, what a beautifully written post. It’s such a shame when people make assumptions about your life and so many people seem to think that they how us better than we know ourselves.
What a beautiful, honest post. I really admire you for having the strength to cope with it all at such a young age. It takes guts to open yourself up like that. No one has a right to judge you or say you should have done this or that. You created a human life and being a parent isn’t easy (so I’m told!lol). I’m 28 and we have planned to start trying for a baby just before we turn 30. But life can’t always be planned out so precisely. Things happen and life throws you a curve ball. I bet you’re happy your curve ball was your beautiful daughter!
@Eating Diamonds Yea, wow! That just kind of spilled out of my head! Sometimes I find it hard to believe that all that was real too, its so far removed from where we are now.
I def think there are pros and cons to having children young. I doubt I would have made the decision to have a baby at 21 but I wouldn’t change my life for anything. And Carl and I are def not grown-up enough for children, but I reckon that’s part of what makes us a good parents actually! The thing that I find crazy is that I’ll only be 41 when Isabel turns 20. Can’t help wondering if I’ll be one of those awful mother’s who embarass their children by bumping into them at clubs!!
I am so excited for you to have babies!! Hee Hee, just put the Mister in charge of contraception for a while, I guarantee you’ll be preggers in no time!!
@Primp and Preen Thank you lovely. My mum always says, when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me. People should bare that in mind!
xxx
@Liparazzi Thank you lovely. I love the analogy, I’m very happy with my curve ball indeed!
xxx
Oh wow, such a beautiful, beautiful post. It gave me goosebumps reading it and my eyes pricked reading the last little bit. I can tell that you are a wonderful, doting mother and age has nothing to do with it. I’m 26 and am starting to panic a little, yet I have friends and family 30+ who are absolutely terrified. So Isabel came along a little earlier than you’d have planned for? I bet a million quid you wouldn’t change it for the world!
You are a fabulous lady and an amazing mother – this post confirms it xxx
P.S You look like a different person as a blonde! x
My Mum has me at 21 and i think it’s a great age gap – I’m 30 and she’s 51 so it feels like we are both kind of in the same phase of life. We chat like sisters now.
Selfishly though, we’ve spent the last 10 years leading quite a hedonistic and extravagant life and I’m only just starting to feel like I could give it all up to become a family.
I do sometimes get panicy that I won’t be able to conceive when I want to and think that maybe we should have grown up a bit and got started already.
Each to their own though x
Oh, such a beautiful post. You are very lucky that you found each other and that things worked out. Makes your happy accident all the more magical. Thank you for sharing.
I agree – obviously fate 🙂 x
Awww I loved this post. I was a similar age when I fell pregnant with my first son, and like you I made the decision to go for it, in fact even tho I am pro-choice abortion never entered my head. I guess sometimes you don’t know you’re ready to be a Mum until that decision is made for u xxx
I love you guys 🙂
You have 2 amazing little kiddies, beautiful to boot.
You are both amazing people, and you we both love you lots and lots.
This post may be brought to you by nicotine cravings and lashings of rum (which you should totally join me for at some point in days post assignment hand in).
xxx
Your posts about your family always make me well up a bit, if your daughter does read this one day, and if your dad was able to read the things you have written about him, they would see how much love is put to the page when you blog. Anyone who has read your blog from the beginning can’t help falling for your family a little bit, and personally I think you are wonderful parents. Which is what is important, so it’s very stupid if anyone questions what age you started doing it!
xxx.
@Lollipop Thank you honey! You will make an amazing mum when the time comes. And the blond hair, what was I thinking!! Def look btter as a brunette!
@Eating Diamonds It’s nice to know how close you are to your mum, I hope my relationship with Izzy can be like that. I don’t think your lifestyle has been selfish. We did manage to cram some fairly hedonistic times in before Izzy came along. I left school/home when I was 16 and had a job that paid very well (in comparison to my outgoings) so there was a lot of drinking/smoking/dancing done in my late teens and right before Izzy was conceived. We still manage to have some fun now too, but I have to admit that being hungover with little ones in no fun at all!
@My Spare Thoughts Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed reading it. I do think it’s all very special when I look back on what we’ve been through together, I hope Izzy can see that when she’s older too.
xxx
I could just kiss you for this post!!I recognize everything you said. That’s me..I was in a relationship with my now hubby for 4 years when we decided to tie the knot. I was 21, he was 23. Can you guess??What the hell are they thinking…to young, irresponsible. You name it because you know it. Then last year “I got pregnant”:))Yeah that sounds soooo silly. The baby wasn’t really planned, but we were really happy (we still are, because we have a gorgeous 3 and a half month old lil’ girl). People started on us again. You won’t be ab;le to raise a child, you don’t have the money or the brains for it…you you!!
Ok. Whatever!!!We are still struggling with prejudice but let me tell you that nowadays I don’t really care!!Iknow I made the right choice!!Even if I am “only 23” I have a the family I always dreamt of. I have my hubby and my baby girl and I know everything else will sort of fall into place in time….
:*:*
@Lila Loves Thank you for your lovely comment, I couldn’t agree more. I remember the first person to say a proper ‘congratulations’ to me was my aunt who had tried to get pregnant for over 10 years before finally having twin boys through IVF. She was the only one who appreciated how precious a human life is, under any circumstances.
@arlene You’re so right, I had no idea I’d enjoy motherhood as much as I do and I can’t imagine things any other way now. When the kids are away with my parents or the in-laws I feel so lost,don’t know what to do with myself, they’re just your whole world aren’t they!?
@m4dSwine Hee Hee! Thank you honey, we love you guys too 🙂 And keep up with the fags, you can do it! Cocktails soon for sure.
xxx
@Sophie Rosalind I think that may be the sweetest, most lovely comment anyone has ever left me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
@Deena Oh it’s so nice to know you’re not alone in all this isn’t it? I agree about not caring, I adopted that approach a long time ago too. It all just makes me more determined to proove people wrong! Your family sounds like it’s full of love, which is the most important thing, no?
xxx
Aw what a beautiful well written post (as ever!) Makes me think 🙂 You are an excellent mother and in my opinion I think a 20 year old (younger in some cases) can be just as great a mother as a 40 year old. Yes life experience can help but sometimes fresh eyes and a fresh mind can be just as valuable.
🙂
Wow, what a post! Made my eyes tickle! I knew you were relatively young when you had Izzy, but in the same way age difference between couples doesn’t seem significant to me, neither does being a ‘younger’ mother (I’m not including very young teen mothers in this).
I could have swung for people so many times when I told them I was pregnant. There I was excitedly telling my news, and getting the odd condescending replies like “oh, I didn’t realise you were planning to have a baby”, and “oh you’re quite young”…if I hadn’t been brought up to be polite I’d probably have slapped them and walked away!!!
Jamie is the BEST thing to have happened to me, whether he was planned or not! It’s no one else’s business! I can’t imagine myself personally planning to have a child I’ve always just wanted it to ‘happen’, and I was fortunate enough for that to happen.
I 100% agree with Sophie, you, your family and your life are portrayed excellently through your blog, and I pretty much ‘fell’ for you from Day 1! You are a brilliant Mummy, and you always do the best you can in whatever you do.
Here’s to our VERY happy accidents 🙂 xxx
Such a lovely post!
Its really quite nasty the way people judge younger women when they announce they’re pregnant, like some snidey comment is really going to help.
I’m sure your daughter won’t mind a bit if she does the math in a few years. My Mum was 18 when I was born so I’ve always known I was a mistake! I very much doubt my 18 year old Mum and 20 year old Dad intended to start their family so young! Its never bothered me though, its just the way things work out. Usually for the best!
@Laura Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to your comment. I actually had you at the back of my mind when I wrote this as I remembered you saying that Jamie was a bit of a surprise. You’re right people have absolutley no right to comment. I think a large part of the problem for Carl and I was that people had no idea where we were as a couple and I think that made them anxious about our future. The people that knew us really well and had faith in us never questioned our choices. Besides, we proved all the other lot wrong didn’t we!? YAY for happy accidents, although I’m not hoping for anymore of them!!
@Bumble You’re so right, I always think that the last thing young mums in difficult situations need is judgment. They need support and advice. I hope my Izzy shares your views when she’s older, I will def tell her that I couldn’t have planned a better life for myself if I tried, my children make me stupidly happy, and I didn’t even know I wanted them!
xxx