The Fear
To say I’ve been feeling a little anxious of late would have to be the understatement of the year. I seem to have morphed into a gigantic ball of constant worry and stress. My mind simply refuses to stop buzzing with troubled thoughts.
I think I’ve got ‘The Fear’.
A common complaint among soon-to-graduate students, or indeed anyone who finds themselves at one of life’s many crossroads, ‘The Fear’ is best defined as an all consuming concern over what the future may or may not hold.
It’s a fear of the unknown, a fear of change and for me, dare I say it, a fear of that strange and mysterious land known as the real world.
Yes people, in a few short months I might actually have to brave the terrain beyond the oh-so-cosy confines of my university campus and get a proper job. Or at least try to. *shudder*
But to be honest, the prospect of having to enter the world of work is not the sole cause of my anxiety. Oh no, it’s not as simple as that.
Let me break it down for you. Here are a few of the thoughts whirring round my somewhat mentally exhausted little head on a daily basis…
1. Writing a 20,000 word dissertation is hard. REALLY hard. What if my research isn’t good enough? What if I can’t get past the first couple of hundred words? What if I can’t do it at all? What if everything I do manage to write is a load of rubbish? What if it doesn’t get a good mark? What if my supervisor hates it? What if he hates me?
2. Am I working hard enough? Even when I have a day where I feel I’ve been particularly productive I catch myself wondering if I could have pushed myself just that *leeedle* bit harder. You know, read one more article, made a couple more pages of notes, written a few more paragraphs. And on days when I completely fail at being studious I mentally berate myself well into the wee small hours of the morning, tossing and turning in my bed while simultaneously worrying about the fact I can’t sleep and how I’ll be too exhausted to produce anything of merit the following day.
3. Mummy guilt. One of motherhood’s many constants {like baby brain, sleep deprivation and the ongoing battle to avoid frumpiness}, mummy guilt seems to ingrain itself in one’s psyche almost as soon as that crafty sperm has burrowed its way into your precious little egg.
I’m not spending enough time with the children. They face being couped up in childcare or carted off to the Grandparents for the best part of the summer. I spend hours away from them at weekends. I fail at basic mummy tasks like paying for Izzy’s school dinners and making sure they have clean clothes. The house is a mess. Constantly.
But the worst of it is that, even though I miss them when they’re not here, I’ve actually felt my heart sink when they arrive home from school or nursery because I know it means I have to stop studying. And so the vicious cycle of worrying about whether I’m doing enough work begins again…
4. What’s going to happen next? I’m turning an endless list of unknowns over and over and over in my head right now. What am I going to do for work? Will anyone even employ me? Will I find a job I love? Could I actually, maybe, possibly make a living from writing? Really? Will all the hard work have been worth it? What’s going to happen to Jesse when he no longer has a place at the university nursery? Will we be able to afford childcare if/when I do find a job? Should we stay in Exeter or should we move? Can we even afford to move?
To summarise, what does the future hold for us as a family, for me as an individual? Where are we going? What’s the next chapter?
For the first time in forever, I don’t know what’s going to happen next. And it’s scary as hell.
But the worst of it is, I simply can’t let go. I just can’t stop worrying about it all and it’s kind of stopping me from just getting on and doing it. Living it. Experiencing it. Finding my way.
So my question for you ladies is this: How do you cope with anxiety? Is the future really as scary as it seems from where I’m standing and will I make it through the next few months alive?
Loveaudrey xxx
Oh sweetheart, I hate to think of you so frantically worrying and so far away that I can’t just give you a hug š
This fear you’re experiencing, is 100%, totally and utterly normal. If you WEREN’T worrying then I’D be worried! I think, and hopefully you agree, one of the reasons we get on so well is because we are eerily similar when it comes to things like this. I’m a born worrier, and I’ve said a million times before that if I’m not worrying about something, I’ll be worrying about WHY I’m not worrying!
You have a HELL of a lot on your plate at the moment, and prioritising is nighon impossible, quite frankly because as you said, you have to live it day in, day out, and it’s all important. The children have to be dealt with, and the work has to be done. You’re also having to work, wedding plan, as well as run a household and maintain a relationship. You might feel like you’re not coping, but you’re all still alive, you’re getting good grades, the wedding plans are coming along, and you’ve not torn all of your hair out yet. Most of all, you’ve still got your wit and sense of humour, so I say, don’t be too hard on yourself, if you’re having a bad day then just allow yourself a bit of time to relax and recoup, you need to take care of Superwoman š
I’m not trying to invalidate your fears, because I know how real they are…I’m just saying, it’s normal, and those fears will help you get past them.
Love you loads, I know you can acheive all of this and more, and you’ll feel so damn good once it’s done š xxxxxx
So sorry you’re feeling so anxious! I imagine these are some of the things my husband has racing through his mind on a daily basis – minus the kids. And we’ve got 3 or 4 more years to go! Getting through grad school is definitely tough. It helps to have a strong support group. And despite the stress and anxiety, everything usually ends up working out. You can do it!!
I kind of have no idea what’s going to happen next and havent for the last year or so but I’m gradually feeling more comfortable with that. Who knows if I’ll still be in this job after March? It’s so scary at first when you graduate but then it kind of just becomes…life. And you deal with it. Honestly, you will! Good luck with your dissertation, it’ll be worth it all in the end š
I donāt know if this will help you or not, but when I read your post I identified so much with what you said.
As you know, Iām in a similar place right now. At one of lifeās crossroads, in a weird sort of limbo where most sentences start āAfter the dissertationā¦ā Exactly a year ago I let āThe Fearā consume me so much that it paralysed me, mentally. I want to tell you it will be all right (it WILL) and that you can do it (you CAN), but mainly I just want to say be careful. A bit of downward spiral is ok, but it is scary how momentum can gather. Negative thoughts, especially about how hard you are working, can be so destructive. I wish I didnāt know how destructive š There are all sorts of strategies for managing things. Set small targets, break the task of writing into chunks, but above all do not beat yourself up over the amount of work or lack thereof. Postgraduate study is so peculiar, writing a dissertation is so goddamn isolating and weird, but there will be an end and if priorities have to be skewed to achieve that, so be it. Ultimately and in the long run, it will pay off.
The fear of the unknown tests my patience. It scares me to think of what comes after the dissertation, because that has been my life for the past few years. It also tests the patience of my partner ā I sometimes feel I am continually reassuring him that life will get back to ānormalā and trying to be as specific as possible about when that might be. I try to sound confident and assured ā of course there will be a job, of course it will pay well ābut inside my heart flutters at the thought of what lies ahead. Or, more precisely, that I donāt know and cannot control what lies ahead. All I can do is give everything to my dissertation right now. Do the best I can in a way which is as healthy, guilt-free and confident as possible.
I should probably stop filling up your comments page now, but DM/Twitter if you want to chat more.
All the best
Hx
I sympathise with you very much. Although I’m not a mother, I’ve been experiencing these feelings throughout the last year or two of my Phd. I try to be rational as much as possible, to exercise every day (I recommend yoga and pilates), and to talk to my best friends about how I’m feeling. It is helpful to know that this sort of experience is common and to know that our anxious feelings are understandable given the situation. Best wishes xx