Ssssshhhh.
Listen.
Do you hear that?
Nope? That’s the point… it’s the sound of silence.
Today I can write an entire post without having to pause to wipe a snotty nose/change a nappy/suppress sibling rivalry/retrieve a toy/fix a snack. I am totally, utterly and completely child-free for the first time in over a year.
This morning I deposited Isabel at school for her first day in Year 1 and then dropped Jesse at nursery. Both seemed happy and content when I left them. I can’t be certain that Jesse didn’t have a cry when he realised that I’d actually left (and wasn’t coming back any time soon), but I’m taking the fact that I haven’t had a call from nursery as a good sign.
I on the other hand could be found sobbing into my Starbucks. I mean, that’s it… the blissful days of being a true stay-at-home mum are over. I’ve handed over the care of my little one to someone else and, truth be told, I miss him. In fact, I feel like I’ve lost an arm or a leg.
But the events of today have other implications. In a little over 4 weeks I’ll be embarking upon my postgraduate course (MA in War & Society in case you’re curious) and, well…. I’m absolutely terrified.
Of course, I’m no stranger to studying with small children. Izzy appeared in the January of my second year of Alevels. In fact, I sat an exam 2 days before I went into labour. I returned to college when she was a mere 9 weeks old, sat my exams and found myself changing a very dirty nappy right after opening the envelope containing my results. I took a year out to be a ‘Mum’ before staring University when she was 19 months old.
Izzy was there with me all through my degree. That was my University experience, not drunken nights out or skipping lectures or blowing my student loan on a pair of killer shoes, but being a mum, studying really hard and striving to make all the sacrifices worth it.
I had a lot to prove, certain members of my family made it very clear that they thought my getting pregnant was a huge disaster, a waste of my potential. In short, they wrote me, and any chance I’d ever had of having a decent career, off.
I made my point though. I got a 1st! AND I was pregnant with Jesse during my final year, gave birth AND then sat my finals! I’ll never forget walking across the stage at graduation and hearing Izzy shout ‘well done Mummy’ at the top of her voice. It summed up everything I’d achieved in those three years, managing to juggle motherhood with my studies.
But it was bloody hard work. And this time there’s two of them. And what if I can’t do it? And what if I delivered my brain along with the placenta when I had Jesse? And what if we don’t have enough money? And what if this is all a huge mistake? Yup, my general state of mind at the moment is a touch of panic mixed in with a lot of self-doubt and a light sprinkling of anxiety.
Ah well. It’s too late to back out now. Let’s just hope the next year goes quickly. And let’s keep this whole studying thing as glamorous as possible shall we!
Loveaudrey xxx
I have no doubt that today is a very strange and difficult day for you, BUT I also have no doubt that you’re worries are not only completely normal, but also unfounded, because you will be amazing, you’re supermum 🙂 I’m so proud of you for all that you’ve achieved, you’re a credit to your family and I hope they have eaten their words! xxxx
If you got through your degree you can definitely get through the post grad. Well done for your achievements. And I must say, even if you’d never have studied anything it wouldn’t make you any less of a person- career isn’t everything to everyone. I’m sorry that your family were like that. You go girl x
Well done you for everything so far, and I’m sure you will do brilliantly in future too. It really pees me off that so many people see having children as the end of any career prospects. Its so not the case. I often have older, career first mums say to me “oh you were so young to have children”. Errm no, I had my children at an age deemed to be extremely healthy for both me and them. Lol, can you tell that’s a touchy subject for me? 😉 Anyway, loads of luck with everything, and I hope the kids had a ball today – mine go back tomorrow and its going to be wierd to be without them again. oxo
Aw what a sweet post you should rightly be proud of your achievements – good luck with the MA it’s tough but I am sure you’ll sail through it xx
Very sweet post! (:
And I’m sure you’ll be fine! Good luck with this new adventure! 😉
x
You have done SO well to date that it seems certain you will manage just fine. good luck!
Wow ladies! That’s why I love blogging, so much support and encouragement. Thank you so much for all your kind words, deep down I know you’re right and that I’ll be OK. It’s alright to be a little afraid though isn’t it?
@Anonymous Girl I totally agree, it says alot about my family members that they only place value on qualifications/job/earnings. My children ARE my biggest achievement, I wish they could see that.
@MissisG I’ve had the same argument many times! I had friends (I say had becuase I now have nothing to do with them) who thought my life, let alone my career was over! My argument is always that there are pros and cons to doing motherhood either way. I had my children young and had to work harder to qualify etc and probably have less money, but like you say I had healthy pregnancys, quick recoveries and if anyone is built to withstand the extra demands of trying to juggle it all it’s us youngins! I have nothing against older mums at all, I just don’t like it when people are critical of my life choices! Hope your little ones settle back into school ok!
@Mollie I love how you call it an adventure, that’s exacty what it is and I’m glad my kids are along for the ride too!
xxx
I’m sure you’ll do really well! You sound like wonder woman, don’t know how you do it! x
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Aww, just wanted to wish you luck with your studies! Your story is amazing, you have done much better than I have, and I have no babies! I am currently doing my second degree, and while its been hard going back to uni, I hope its worth it! Go and get yourself some nice notebooks and pens, and knock them dead!
Anna xx
You are such an inspiration, I hope you are fully aware of that 🙂
Good luck with your MA am sure you will be just fine, but a bit of apprehension is healthy I think.
xx
What an inspirational story, you should be very proud of what you’ve achieved. Good luck with your studies x