… and we’re never more aware of this fact than when we simply don’t have enough of the stuff.

All the positivity, optimism and excitement about my impending return to University has been quashed again. We had our funding application refused by the uni and without that financial support it is impossible for me to go back to studying. Despite the fact that I have managed to cobble together enough money for my own tuition fees (£4500) we cannot even begin to cover the cost of childcare for the kiddlywinks without some aid. The nursery and after school club bill is in the region of £200 a week meaning that a full year of study will cost us something in the region of £9K.

The university’s only explanation is that the ‘fund for this year has already been exhausted’. The childcare subsidy operates on a ‘first come, first served’ basis and all I can think is that I just didn’t get our application in early enough. We qualified every year of my 3 year undergraduate course and our situation hasn’t changed since then.

I so want to believe in ‘higher education for all’, but the reality is that easy access to a university education is still largely dependent on money. I have always sung the praises of my particular university and the fact that as an institution they make it possible for people like me to study. They do offer some financial support and Jesse’s nursery is on campus making life a lot easier for student parents like myself. But right now I just feel let down.I know the pot isn’t bottomless or never ending, but why us, and why now?

Although my penchant for lipstick and high-end skincare might suggest otherwise, Mr LA and I do not have a lot of money. I’m very good at budgeting, saving and living a frugal lifestyle, allowing us to splash out on the odd luxury when we can afford it.

However, no amount of belt tightening is going to help us come up with the extra cash required for the nursery fees (I have this terms bill for £3000 staring me in the face as I type). I’ve done a lot of crying this weekend. I’ve never, ever felt that having children has stood in my way of doing anything but I guess that it’s happening now, albeit in an indirect way. I’m shocked at how devastated I am by all this.

My only hope now is the university’s Access to Learning Fund. So this evening when I should be reading my book in preparation for Friday’s lecture and mentally preparing myself for my first seminar tomorrow afternoon I’ll actually be rifling through paperwork, filling in more forms and trying to prove that we deserve a little help.

And if none is forthcoming (and the letter from the university sensitively reminds me that ‘nothing is guaranteed’) then my only option will be to drop out, withdrawing Jesse from nursery in the process. How is it that I’m back at this place again, full of fear and uncertainty?

I hate to sound like a spoilt, whiny brat but it’s just not fair.

Loveaudrey xxx

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