When I was little my Dad had the most enormous brown camera bag. At least it seemed enormous to me at the time. It was probably just a regular sized camera bag, but I can remember feeling as if it was big enough for me to climb inside. Except it was always full, so I could never investigate the accuracy of this particular assumption.
Most of the pictures I have in my head of my Dad from when I was very little feature his Nikon camera, it’s black and yellow strap firmly placed around his neck. He photographed everything. Of course these were the days before digital, he used real film. Roll after roll of real film.
Mum had a matching camera too. I’ve always had the feeling that photography was something they did together. Once developed, the photos were always marked with a ‘P’ on the back for my Mum and a ‘J’ for my Dad.
Once upon a time, in a world before children, Mum and Dad even set up their own dark room in the bathroom of their pokey west London home. I love picturing the two of them developing their black and white photographs together in that room.
My memories of my parent’s separating are fairly hazy. I remember they told us on a Thursday after school. Dad came home from work early, which was practically unheard of and an instant giveaway to my 9 year old self that something wasn’t quite right.
We sat on the blue sofa and Dad told us he’s fallen out of love with Mum. I call that sofa the ‘bad news’ sofa. A few years later we sat there while Mum explained that dad had cancer. I’d just climbed out of the shower and sat shivering in my bath towel. A little while later we sat there again while Dad told us he wouldn’t be getting better. The tension was broken by the loud milky burp of a 5 week old Isabel. When Mum sold the house I sat on that blue sofa and sobbed. I’m not sure why, I just know that I hate that sofa.
I digress.
I think dad left on the Saturday. He moved in with a friend and I don’t think he took that much with him at the time. I’m sure he came back and collected bits and pieces but much of his stuff stayed. The photo albums and all the negatives from those rolls and rolls of film used to live under a dresser in the dining room. Perhaps ownership was contested, like I said, Mum and Dad took many of their photos together. Or maybe he just didn’t want to cart around all those memories as he moved on and into his new life with the woman who is now my step-mum.
Strange thing is. He stopped taking pictures altogether. For years. There are hardly any photos of my sister and I at our Dad’s home as small children. I’ve never seen photographic evidence of the often painful and fairly fraught ‘family’ holidays we took with him either. I remember once asking him why, why he’d stopped when his photographs were so good, so beautiful. He told me he didn’t see the point, an answer I’ve never been able to understand or decipher.
I’m sure that more than a decade had passed before he finally invested in a digital camera and slowly began snapping away again. In the brief 10 months that he knew his Granddaughter he took some of the most beautiful photographs of her. They are quite simply my most favourite baby pictures of Isabel. As for the few photos I have of her with my Dad, well, I think I’d probably re-enter a burning building just to rescue them. They are so indescribably precious to me.
Mr. LA and I spent the best part of this weekend agonising over our choice of wedding photographer. I always knew it was going to be a tricky decision for us, because I grew up surrounded by great photography and because the Mister wields a camera himself for a living, his pictures just happen to move.
And again I find myself surprised by the way my mind works and the way my emotions about loosing my Dad are drawn to the surface. Not that my Dad would have photographed our wedding, he’d have been far too busy enjoying himself for that.
It’s just that the decision felt like such a big one because I know that over time the photos will come to mean so much.
One day, they’ll be the only tangible things left.
Loveaudrey xxx
Audrey this is so beautifully written and so poignant, it made me cry! I hope that you have found your perfect photographer and I’m sure that your wedding photos will be beautiful.
xxx
@Lila Loves Thank you honey, I’ve had a wee cry today too! I really do think we’ve found an amazing photographer, her work is beautiful and she seems really lovely too. I’m feeling really excited about it all this afternoon!
xxx
oh yay! thats so good. I lost my dad when I was little and everything about my wedding set me off. There were even plenty of tears on the day but I just imagined how much fun he would have been having and it made me smile again xxx
That was such a moving post to read and i can see how all those memories have been brought to the surface. Glad to hear you have now found a wedding photographer though and you can feel excited for your special day xx
This is so poignant and so moving. Photos really are the key to our memories of events and people, and I know that the photos I take of my family now – even the quick snapshots – are amongst the most precious things I have and do for my children, just as the photos of my loved ones who are no longer around are so precious to me.
Hugs to you xx
Wow, what a tearjerker! This was so powerful and emotive, I felt every word. I can totally see how the tricky decision about a photographer would allow all of those memories to resurface…thank you so much for your honesty. It’s post like this that made me fall in love with your blog and with you (know what I mean?), it’s SO real.
Now…wipe those tears away, dust off those cheerful memories and have some chocolate 🙂 xxx
@Saskia Thank you lovely. I’m slowly realising just how much of an emotional journey this whole wedding thing is. It’s not the things I would expect to upset me that have me in tears, my emotions really take me by surprise. Anyway, we have undoubtedly found an amzing photographer and I’m incredibly excited about it all. Besides, it’s good to have a little cry now and then, isn’t it!?
@Eliza Claire You’re so right, and that’s why we’re trusting you to capture our day for us! I get goosebumps at the thought of my children, and their chldren and their children’s children looking at photos from our wedding day. It’s a little piece of personal history and so very precious.
And thank you for the hugs, always gratefully received 🙂
xxx
@Laura Thank you honey. I’m glad you appreciate my honesty, I don’t really know any other way to be on here. Your comments never fail to brighten my day. And I know exactly what you mean 😉
Chocolate at the ready. I sent Carl to the shop especially!!
xxx
Eliza Claire brought this blog post to my attention and I am so pleased she did, this is such a moving statement about the emotional value, and importance of photography.
I have been so, so busy these past few months since giving birth in September and also trying to manage the demands of my blog. It occurred to me only yesterday how I’ve not had the camera out much to photography my beautiful baby girl. This post has reminded me how incredibly important it is I snap away at every single opportunity I get.
Life is so precious. Capturing those precious moments on camera doesn’t take a moment, and yet the pleasure the resulting imagery can provide lasts for eternity.
I am so sorry to hear about your Father.
But I am so happy incredibly delighted to know you have chosen Eliza Claire as your Wedding Photographer. You have made one very wise choice 🙂
Much love to you,
Annabel xXx
Very touching. Thank you for sharing this with us.
x
@Annabel Thank you so, so much for your lovely comment. It made my day!
I remember my Mum told me that you always take less photos of your second child. Perhaps there’s just less time for the intense baby gazing that a first baby seems to provoke. I’ve made a real effort to not let this be the case with Jesse and I take my camera with me everywhere. I’m sure I bore all my friends on facebook with pictures of the children! Although, it’s great for friends and family who don’t get to see them as often as they’d like.
Having said that, I wish I was better at having my picture taken with them. They’ll be the really precious pictures when we’re gone, won’t they?
I am so very, very happy to have booked Eliza for the wedding. Thank you for all the hard work you put into your fabulous blog, I doubt I would have found her without it.
xxx
@Simone You’re welcome, I’m glad you enjoyed reading it.
xxx