My Complete Inability to Give Myself a Break
If you had happened to wander through the corridors of the humanities building at my university yesterday you may well have stumbled across a rather dishevelled postgraduate student cowering in the stairwell, staring vacantly out of the window while sobbing into her cup of tea.
I had some assignments returned yesterday. Remember those 2 5000 word essays that nearly killed me over the Christmas break? Yea, it was those ones.
Now that I’m sat here typing with my rational-thinking-head firmly screwed on I can say that I got 2 good marks. Both merits, one high (68), one low (63).
But yesterday I had my kinda-crazy-full-of-self-loathing-and-doubt-head on, and therefore spent the best part of the day beating myself up about my grades.
As I blinked back the tears and tried to decipher my lecturer’s comments, I was overcome by a horrible feeling right down in the pit of my stomach.
I could have done better.
I should have done better.
You see, every time the prospect of receiving a set of essay marks draws near I play this game. Out loud I say things like ‘oh, I’ll be happy if I just manage to pass’ or ‘anything in the 60s would be marvellous’. In my head I say things like ‘I’ll only be happy with a mark above 65’ or ‘there must be an improvement on my last grade, otherwise what’s the point?’.
True to form, these were the thoughts running through my head as I approached the desk to collect my essays yesterday. But the number scrawled on the bottom right hand corner of one of the feedback sheets didn’t meet the high standards I set for myself. Then, just to make sure the wound was deep enough, I read the lecturer’s comments. Apparently my essay ‘flirted with technical failure’. I flirted with giving up my course entirely.
Perhaps the hardest part of returning to university has been accepting that switching disciplines means the high marks I’d become accustomed to as a sociology undergraduate are going to be a little harder to come by. I’m way out of my comfort zone and still desperately trying to find my feet as a student of English literature. I flit between feeling totally confident about my academic abilities to feeling like the thickest person in the world.
Now, I may be many things, but I am certainly not thick.
The clarity of a Saturday spent at home enjoying my little family has brought the realisation that what I need is to recognise that these essay marks represent more than just a certain percentage of my degree. They’re about me being brave enough to take a risk. They’re about me managing to juggle everything (and I mean everything). They’re about the support from my family and friends and they’re about the deep pleasure I get from filling my brain up with knowledge (you can call me a geek, I won’t mind).
Will I go a little easier on myself from now on? I doubt it. Am I going to nail my next 2 essays? Definitely.
Loveaudrey xxx
Hi
I am a third year Eng Lit Undergrad student, a mature student with a part time job and a home to run (no children) and I think you are amazing. I am just the same as you though I have such high expectations of myself and my marks and if I fall short I beat myself up when if I just took a deep breath and a step back I should be able to see my marks are excellent considering all I do as outside of the actual degree. Your post comes in a week when I have been in a similar situation to you and it has helped me to rationalise my thoughts and actions.
Good Luck with your MA!
xx
@Parfait Amour Thank you for your lovely comment, I’m glad you could relate to my post. It’s always nice to know you’re not alone in thses things, isn’t it? I guess it’s healthy to want to do well, it’s just that my idea of what doing well is get a little warped at times.
Good luck with your degree. Having walked the stage this time last year, I can tell you that it’s all worth it. The feeling you get from actually graduating is amazing!
xxx
Awwe silly! In the nicest possible way of course. I can’t believe you berate yourself like that. Well, no, I can actually – because I do it too but for different reasons. I’m glad you took a step back, spend time with your family and got your perspective back on track. Please cut yourself some slack – you’re wonder-blimmin-woman. x
Audrey I totally emphathise with your situation. I remember being exactly the same at University and being a complete wreck if I didn’t get a first (which was pretty rare.) I have so much admiration for you returning to education with a young family and think you are clearly doing an AMAZING job, so stay smiling 🙂 I’m sure your family are very very proud and the numbers don’t matter a hoot. xxx
@MissisG I know, you’re right! I think it’s something us women are very good at in general, giving ourselves a hard time I mean. I’ll try and lay off myself a little from now on!
@Lila Loves As an undergrad I was just like you, I don’t think I got anything below a first in my final year. I need to remember that postgrad is a step-up and much more academically demanding AND I’m in a different discipline. All things considered my marks are bloody good!! I just like to give whatever I’m doing my all. I promise I’ll try very hard to stay smiling!!
xxx
You’re amazing, end of xx
Oh, you! I can certainly relate to setting one’s expectations too high. Sometimes it builds up and you don’t even realize it. And it’s such a shame because in an instance like this one when you do perfectly well but it’s still not enough you miss out on the great feeling of accomplishment. I think it’s a mark of simply being passionate about something, and that’s wonderful. I guess what it all comes down to is setting perspectives, you know?
Good for you though, lovey. Keep doing what you’re doing and take things as they come! xo
It’s crazy how quick this year is going, you must be half-way through now! Your determination never fails to put me into check, no more whining about my job for me.
I have started my blog at last, and linked your blog as my original inspiration – it’s true!!! SO sod those horrible comments, you’re an inspiring on-line writer!
It’s Katy in case you hadn’t guessed.
xx
@Primp and Preen Thank you *blushes* 😀
@Casee Marie You’re so right, I didn’t even give myself a chance to enjoy the other mark!! Passionate is the right word, I’m going to try and keep things in perspective from now on.
@Justbecause YAY!! So excited about your blog, I’ll be telling everyone to go and read it, I expect great things from you lady!!
Oh and stop it with the compliments, you’re making me blush!!
xxx
Franky…god dammit woman, give yourself a break, I don’t care how you do it, just DO IT!
You do SO much, you make me tired just reading about everything you do half the time, and you’re doing fabulously well on your MA! I don’t know many mothers of two (or one, or even none!) that could pull off what you do, day in day out.
Now, no more compliments, that picture is right, it WILL all be worth it in the end *slaps your wrist* Go have some cake 🙂
LOVE YOU LOTS WONDER WOMAN xxx